When we begin to recognize what the boundaries look like in our relationships, we can make healthy adjustments that are beneficial. Let’s take a few minutes to examine a couple of examples of unhealthy boundaries and then compare those examples with healthy boundaries.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries occur when we either take on too much responsibility and require too little of others; or take on too little responsibility ourselves and give too little to others.
Example 1 “Doormat”- We might be allowing others to take more than their share, treating us like a “doormat” if we fail to speak up when we’re treated poorly, saying yes when we really want/need to say no, constantly feeling like the victim, feeling out of touch with our own needs, putting others ahead of self, feeling guilty for dedicating time to self, feeling like we have no voice. We risk getting tangled in enmeshment rather than interacting interdependently.
Example 2 “Overbearing”- We might be crossing others’ boundaries (being overbearing), if we attempt to control or manipulate others, often blame others, get/demand love and respect without giving it in return, tend to take more than we give.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries occur when we can separate who we are, and what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. This also describes the concept of “differentiation of self.”
- We recognize each of us as separate and distinct individuals even when interacting with others. We maintain a healthy balance of taking responsibility for ourselves- standing firm in “our space” for what is and isn’t okay. We also respect the boundaries of others. Though we each have our differences our integrity and self-respect- or being true to what our needs are- remains intact.
- It may be necessary to set a boundary of physical or emotional space as a result of a violated or threatened violation of boundaries to keep ourselves emotionally or physically safe. Note: This can become an unhealthy boundary if our boundaries are so rigid that they do not let anyone in, even those who are or have become safe. As a result, we may feel lonely, closed off, numb, have trouble giving and receiving touch, and feel there are very few people who really know us because we don’t open up. This can occur from relationship wounds.
Tips for Setting and Enforcing Boundaries
Surrendering- There may be times we recognize specific responsibilities belong to someone else, but we struggle with relinquishing our desire to control. We may need support in making peace with people or circumstances we cannot change.
Self-focused- Boundaries are focused on what we as individuals will or will not do that will keep us safe physically and emotionally, not what we desire another person to do. Boundaries are not about fixing, changing or punishing another. If you aren’t in control of yourself, the solution is not learning to control someone else, the solution is learning self-control.
Consequences- The difference between a boundary and a request is that boundaries have a consequence. When establishing a consequence be sure:
- The consequence is something you are willing to follow through with.
- You follow through with the consequence EVERY time.
- It is a consequence and not a punishment. A consequence is meant to teach, maintain accountability, and maintain safety.
Helpful Reminders
Addressing Anger- There is a difference between feeling anger and responding (reacting or retaliating) in anger. It is common to feel angry when a boundary (known or unknown) has been crossed and can be “a voice inside us that says ‘Enough!’ Something has to change.” Instead of allowing the anger to control our responses, we can use it as a warning system that something is not right (in us and/or in our present situation). This provides an opportunity to reflect on our thoughts and motives and to establish healthy boundaries if needed and avoid crossing others’ boundaries.
What to do when you receive pushback?
When we start to implement boundaries, we may get push-back and negative responses from others. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves. People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings and reactions, while continuing to grow in maintaining healthy boundaries.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”- Brene’ Brown
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
