Over the years, as I walk with individuals through healing from grief, whether it is the death of a loved one or the end of a marriage, the holiday seasons can be the roughest time. Facing the “firsts” without the loved one can be some of the most difficult points in moving forward. My friend, Mary Bolton addresses the challenges she faced after the death of her husband in our book The Crucible of Loss. Mary shares:
Nobody sets out to be both divorced and a widow. If you had told me this was the way my story would go, I would not have believed it. Like most people, I would have been tempted to do things my way and avoid pain and humiliation at any cost. That is how we are wired, right? It seems like way too much to handle and certainly two strikes against a good Christian girl, a professing Jesus follower. It was both of those things but is ultimately a testimony about God’s redemption and growth during surrender.
As a young woman, I wanted to be a happily married wife and Mom with a decent career. I ended up seeing all those things come true; a husband, a career, and a prayed-for child after 8 years. But after months of prayer and years of believing for restoration, my 22-year marriage ended in divorce. I learned the hard way that my identity was wrapped up in a person rather than my Creator. Divorce can be humiliating and was especially difficult for me. Did everyone know about our issues? Would I continue serving in my church? What emotional impact would this have on our son? How could I protect his heart? Who am I if not a wife? It was devastating in every possible way and if you have been through it, these questions are familiar. Over the next few years, the Lord began touching upon and healing some intensely painful beliefs I held. Although not easy at all, surrendering bitterness and truly forgiving were the answers to emotional freedom.
Another part of God’s redemption was to eventually meet my second husband, whom I married one beautiful October day under a neighbor’s gazebo. Our marriage was the healing of two broken lives and the blending of families, not to mention a lot of fun! But less than five years later, Covid took my spouse. I mobilized every troop we had at our disposal, which was a sizeable army of family, church, and community prayer warriors. For weeks, I listened to heaven-storming prayers and music and clung to the belief that even after intubation Kevin would be healed and give his testimony far and wide. But he did not live. My “person” was gone and it did not seem real. At some point, I needed to surrender the outcome I wanted and either had to believe God was still good or that He never was in the first place. I chose the former. Surrender is the opposite of control and suggests something must be laid down. That white-knuckling control of situations and outcomes had to be given up. My need to change my first husband’s heart had to die. The need to be the only shield my son had from the divorce fallout had to go. My need to control Kevin’s outcome had to be laid down. My need to know every future step I should take had to dissolve. I am still learning how to surrender my plans and expectations in exchange for the lovingkindness and pre-ordained plans of God. I imagine it will take time to understand the depth of who He wants to be for me in this season. All I can do is walk forward as His daughter, covered by His wings, and seeking His face.
Steps in Pursuit
- Mary shared the powerful key of forgiveness as a part of her healing process. Sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. Or even though it’s hard to admit, we may need to forgive God. Take some time to search your heart this week and honestly recognize where some forgiveness needs to take place in your heart.
- Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Use this verse as a prayer, inviting the Lord’s closeness and healing into the areas of pain and loss.
- Prepare for the holiday season by being honest with family and friends about needs or changes that may be helpful in the transition. Changing traditions and doing something new or different might be a healing step.
I encourage you to reach out to those around you as we prepare to enter fall and the holidays, sharing love and support to those experiencing “firsts” without their loved ones.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise Horner
