Jobs often require a performance review occasionally to make sure that the quality of work is being maintained. The impact that these moments can have on employees really depends on the way they are conducted. If management is overly critical and demanding, the employee can feel discouraged afterwards. On the other hand, if the reviewer takes time to acknowledge strengths and accomplishments as well as areas for growth, then the employee can feel valued and motivated to reach the next level of goals that have been set. Performing on the job is one thing, but performing in relationships can bring about some unhealthy patterns of behaviors and emotions. It establishes an imbalance of power in the relationship, putting one individual in a seat of control and the other striving to meet the expectations. Now this can happen internally, as well as externally. For example, I can be my own harsh boss, never satisfied with my outcome or efforts. I can demand perfection of myself and when that unrealistic expectation is not accomplished, I can beat myself up with self-rejection. I see this pattern often in counseling sessions and the resulting stress it produces. Whether this performing is taking place within us, in our marriages, with our children or with God, it steals our joy and satisfaction. We end up feeling like no matter how hard I work at being a good spouse, parent, Christian, etc. it will never be enough because I am always falling short. It sets us up to only see what is wrong or where I messed up, instead of all the things that I did well. When I am constantly judging myself, I expect judgement from others. In fact, I will filter communication through that judging lens. If I am consistently accusing myself, guess who is happy to jump on board? Yes, you guessed it! The Accuser!
Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, “Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down.” (Revelation 12:10)
All of this performing is rooted in finding our identity in what we do rather than in who we are. We are trying to gain the love, acceptance and security that we desire from others by earning a good performance review. There is no true peace or love found in this way of relating. I love what Ephesians says about the beautiful gift of grace even when we were messing up,
But God still loved us with such great love. He is so rich in compassion and mercy. Even when we were dead and doomed in our many sins, he united us into the very life of Christ and saved us by his wonderful grace! (2:4-5)
This spiritual reality gives us the ability to live from this beautiful love and grace within us and in our relationships with others. God doesn’t look at us and sees all of our faults and failures, he sees who we are in Christ.
Steps in Pursuit
- On a scale from 1-10: 1 being rarely and 10 being most of the time, evaluate how critical you are of yourself. We wrongly believe that being hard on ourselves will help us to make improvements.
- Identify one area of your life that you are currently struggling in. Using an index card, write down three encouraging statements about that area and say them out loud to yourself daily for a week. At the end of the week evaluate how you are feeling about that area. Have you noticed a change in attitude or emotions?
- Practice being a kind and encouraging friend to yourself. We all could use some practice in loving ourselves the way God does.
When we stop performing in relationships and begin to relate from a place of resting in God’s love, the joy and satisfaction will flow beautifully!
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
