Dealing with conflict is one of the most challenging parts of maintaining healthy relationships. Many people have grown up in homes where conflict wasn’t handled in loving, effective ways. Melody Beattie, author of Beyond Codependency has some insights that I want to share with you. Melody writes:
Many of us have difficulty handling conflict and dealing with problems. We may have lived in a family with a “no problem” rule. If it wasn’t okay to have, identify, or talk about problems, we may still feel ashamed and anxious about having them. We may feel unequipped to solve them. If we lived with the “be perfect” and “be right” rules, we may be so intent on being perfect and right that we’re ineffective.
On the other hand, if we lived with too much trauma and anger, conflict may trigger our codependent reactions. The threat of conflict may send us into a tailspin of controlling, caretaking, anxiety and denial. Melody says it took her years to learn three concepts:
- I can have problems
- I can solve some problems in ways that benefits me and my relationships
- I can let go of problems I can’t solve because God is there to help me.
It took more years to learn my instinctive reactions to problems: denial, panic, avoidance, controlling, fatalism, and self-pity. These reactions often made things worse.
From these truths, Melody shares some helpful steps that lead to problem solving and conflict negotiation. The first step is to identify and accept the problem, reducing it to its simplest form. Be clear about what is and isn’t your responsibility. After identifying the problem, look for solutions that are in the best interest of the relationship. This means that we value the relationship, and the solution that we seek will reflect that. Good conflict negotiation means eliminating traditional black and white thinking; it means brainstorming. Sometimes obvious solutions are overlooked. It is also important to stay balanced with emotion and reason. Exclusively using either an emotional or rational approach to solving problems and negotiating differences will reduce our effectiveness. If we don’t consider our own or other people’s feelings and don’t consider them important- we’ll run into trouble. Feelings often motivate behavior. If we ignore emotions and rely solely on reason while the other person is in the height of anger, pain, disappointment, or fear, our efforts may be futile, self-defeating, and misunderstood. Feelings need to be listened to and heard. But we don’t allow them to control us or dictate our thinking. Heavy emotions such as anger, hurt, or fear are best dealt with apart from problem-solving sessions. Anger helps us identify problems, but it usually doesn’t help solve them. Learn to call “time out” until heavy emotions subside.
Do’s and Don’ts
- Be open to various solutions
- Don’t take problems and differences personally
- Be clear about what you want and need
- Separate issues from people
- Communicate- talk and listen
- Maintain healthy boundaries
- Avoid power plays
- Let each person keep his or her respect and dignity
- Take full responsibility for your behavior
- Look for the gift or the lesson
Somewhere between asking for nothing and demanding everything is the middle ground of conflict negotiation. We reach that ground only when we relinquish our need to be perfect and right, and we pay attention to our true needs- including our need to participate in working, healthy relationships.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
