I’m sure we all can relate to having at least one difficult relationship in our life that leaves us feeling a lack of freedom to say “no.” This is the relationship whether it is a friend, family member, or co-worker, in which you feel obligated to meet their needs. Regardless of the consequences it may bring in your life, you just want to avoid conflict or disappointment. In fact, one of the big red flags that alerts us to boundary violations is the feeling of guilt. If you find yourself feeling guilty after telling someone “no” then you may struggle with people-pleasing. Sacrificing your healthy boundary in order to avoid conflict may seem like a good way to keep peace in a relationship, but as a counselor, let me assure you it comes at a huge cost, YOU! When you allow other people to make decisions for you it gives them the right to define how you think and feel, which eventually causes you to lose touch with who you are as an individual.
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
This verse in Proverbs is found in my NIV Bible under the section titled Wisdom is Supreme. Walking in wisdom requires you to honestly evaluate what is flowing in your heart. If you allow guilt and fear of rejection to block your freedom in communicating healthy boundaries in relationships, you will struggle making decisions and living from wisdom. This approach to relationships can also set you up to practice passive-aggressive behaviors. Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There is a disconnect between what you say and what you do when you use passive-aggressive behavior. One obvious form of this behavior is being stubborn. Stubbornness brings destruction to relationships and to the heart of the person using this unhealthy boundary. When we walk in wisdom, and practice honestly communicating what our heart is feeling and needing, we will find the freedom to be our true selves and enjoy healthy connections with those around us. Healthy boundaries are intended to help us have good relationships. When we are free to be who we really are, we are better equipped to make our own choices instead of others making them for us.
Steps in Pursuit
- Identify those relationships, in which you feel pressure to meet their needs, otherwise you deal with guilt feelings. Begin to recognize what needs you may have in those relationships.
- Practice forgiving yourself for allowing others to make decisions for you, and forgive others for crossing boundaries that they may or may not have known were there.
- Ask God to help you reconnect with your heart, so that you can begin to recognize the thoughts and feelings you have as an individual.
Knowing our hearts will allow us to not only be healthier individuals, but as we walk in wisdom, we will build more loving relationships with others as well.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
