Building healthy, intimate relationships requires commitment and consistency in a lot of different areas. Intimacy is knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives. It is being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being received and accepted, and you being received and accepted by me for who you are. Sometimes we find ourselves not knowing who we are. I have to know who I am before I can share myself with someone else. As children, if we grew up in a non-nurturing, unhealthy family, we may have created false selves out of shame and rejection. As adults, we may have left the unhealthy, childhood relationships only to find our wounded false selves with other wounded adults, building relationships on anything but intimacy.
In the workbook, Boundary Power, authors O’Neil and Newbold describe these types of problem relationships:
We built it on lust. We built it on some common interests. We built it on being two very needy people. We built it on my need to control you because you were a weak person. People abandon us or we end up abandoning them. The people who should be in our lives leave us, while the people who shouldn’t be in our lives won’t go away. We want someone who understands how we feel, but we don’t know how we feel. We want honesty, but false selves don’t know honesty. We want trust but don’t trust ourselves, so we project that distrust on to everyone else we know. We want to share our lives, but we don’t know who we are in order to share them. We don’t know how to give or how to receive in relationships. These problems in relationships are due to the fact that we do not have healthy boundaries because we do not know who we are.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that indicate where “me” ends and “you” begins. They define who you are in relation to those around you. They help individuals remain true to themselves, feel harmony, define their needs and desires, and protect their psychological and emotional integrity. Setting boundaries is about valuing and respecting yourself. It signals to others, “Here is how to treat me in a loving and respectful way.” It sets standards for what is considered okay and not okay in your relationships.
Benefits of Boundaries
- Healthy boundaries help us to know what thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are appropriate to have toward others in relationships.
- Healthy boundaries help us to remove walls of defense. If we don’t have boundaries, our reactions are either like walls or explosives. We will either shut people out or blast them away. Defenses cause distance in relationships. Boundaries bring closeness.
- Healthy boundaries define our legitimate needs and those of others, and they enable us to meet them.
- Healthy boundaries empower us to have self-discipline, maturity, and strength of character.
- Healthy boundaries empower us to stand against manipulation.
- Healthy boundaries define what we are and are not responsible for and also teach us responsibility. We violate boundaries when we fail to do the things we are supposed to do, do the things we are not supposed to do, and allow others to impose upon us what is not ours to do.
- Healthy boundaries empower us to say no when we need to say no and yes when we really want to say yes.
Steps in Pursuit
- Take some time this week to evaluate what your boundaries look like in your relationships with others. Use the benefits of boundaries listed above and pose them as questions to yourself. Example: “Am I able to say “no” when I do not want to do something?”
- How do you see healthy boundaries contributing to self-discipline and maturity in your life?
- Prayerfully ask God to give you strength and wisdom as you begin to implement healthy boundaries in your relationships.
As you give yourself permission to relate to others from healthy boundaries, intimacy and deeper relationships will begin to grow in a safe, loving environment.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
