The old saying, “If you are going to do something, then do it right,” has a measure of wisdom in it. Unfortunately, is also holds confusing expectations of what exactly qualifies “right.” Along with those expectations, who holds the power of deciding if that measure has been met? Does that mean that I need to strive for perfection or you are not going to be satisfied with the result? These situations happen more often than one would think. I believe most of us would agree that we would like a job well done. But there are unrealistic expectations that we can often strive for that sets us up for ongoing disappointment and frustration with ourselves and others around us when perfection is the gold standard. This standard of perfection will quickly become a program of the soul that has the impact of leaving a person feeling unacceptable and not measuring up. When this program is running in a person’s soul, it not only influences how they feel about themselves but becomes projected onto others and even how they believe that God views them. Over time this takes a toll on the whole person. They can find themselves living from a state of dissatisfaction and physically exhausted. Perfectionist traits are characterized by a persistent striving for flawlessness and high standards, often accompanied by anxiety and self-criticism. These are some common perfectionist traits:
Cognitive: High expectations for oneself and others, Unrealistic standards, all-or-nothing thinking, focus on details and flaws, and fear of making mistakes.
Emotional: Anxiety and worry, self-doubt and insecurity, frustration and disappointment when standards are not met, critical of self and others, and difficulty accepting feedback.
Behavioral: Procrastination due to fear of failure, avoidance of tasks that might reveal imperfections, need for control and order, excessive checking and re-checking, and difficulty delegating tasks.
Other: Achievement orientation, striving for excellence, low tolerance for imperfection, difficulty celebrating successes, and susceptibility to depression and anxiety disorders.
You may not find yourself identifying with all of those traits, but if several of those characteristics interfere with the enjoyment of daily life, then perfectionism may be a coping strategy that is bringing imbalance to you. How do we begin to realign to a healthier view of life? Let’s begin by realizing that our identity is not to be rooted in our performance. Paul addresses this in Ephesians:
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (3:17-19)
Being rooted in God’s unconditional love, gives us the ability to love and accept ourselves regardless of how we are performing. We begin to walk in the grace to grow and mature, learning from all of life’s experiences. We will find it gets easier to walk through life in a balanced state of being, able to work and rest with equal freedom. Here are some other helpful ways to make progress and overcome perfection, suggested by Sharon Martin, author of the CBT Workbook for Perfectionism:
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and others.
- Practice self-compassion.
- Adopt a growth mindset.
- Focus on your character, not your accomplishments.
- Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
- Be true to yourself and give up people-pleasing.
- Be more assertive.
- Challenge your negative thoughts.
- Allow yourself to do some things imperfectly.
- Instead of comparing yourself to others, know your worth.
As we begin to lovingly accept ourselves and enjoy the journey, we will encourage others to do the same, whether it’s our spouse, children, friends or co-workers.
Steps in Pursuit
- Take one of the above goals a week and challenge yourself to walk it out in every area of your life. At the end of 10 weeks, reflect on the changes that have occurred. Are you feeling less frustration and more freedom?
- You can also use the above list as collarbone statements. As you tap under your collarbones, you can repeat an affirming statement such as, “I am developing a growth mindset.” Or “I enjoy the process, not just the outcome.”
- Recognize negative self-talk and begin encouraging yourself as you would a friend.
When we can begin to celebrate growth and progress, life feels more balanced and satisfying.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
