Part of my passion and purpose in walking with people in the restorative work that I do is supporting the healing of wounded souls. God created us for relationships with Him and with others in loving connections. When those connections become too rigid or loose, it produces brokenness instead of healthy intimacy in relationships. We began to unpack the concept of codependent relationships in my last blog post when we identified the relational habit of caring for others at the cost of our own health and well-being. Some of these patterns include:
- Thinking and feeling responsible for other people-for other people’s feelings, thoughts, choices, wants and needs.
- Feeling anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
- Feeling compelled – almost forced – to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixed feelings.
- Saying yes when we mean no, doing things we don’t really want to be doing, doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
Just to name a few.
We can all relate to falling into these things occasionally, but when it becomes relational patterns that are out-of-control do we find ourselves in a deep pit, struggling to find our way back out. Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, says “Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos; it can keep the people around us in a state of chaos. If we’re focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the business of living our own lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can’t solve our problems.” Part of the solution is taking back power that we have given others, so that we have the ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves, being responsible for our own lives.
Several years ago, God highlighted a passage in Galatians 6 on this issue of personal responsibility. Verse 2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Then in verse 5 it says, “For each one should carry his own load.” There is a big difference in loving those around us when they are going through a difficult time and need the support of others, as compared to their daily load. We all have a “load” to carry in our growth and development. If we take on someone else’s load, even with loving intentions, we could block their personal growth and keep them depending on us, instead of looking to God for his provision and direction in their lives.
Steps in Pursuit
- Ask God for the wisdom to begin to recognize what is your “load” and what things belong to others. Trust that God will supply what they need to problem solve and grow.
- Take the time to examine your freedom in saying yes or no to others when they ask for help. Are you free to use both words equally? Or do you feel guilt when you use the word no?
- When someone asks you how you feel about something, can you identify your feelings? We become disconnected from our own hearts when our focus is on what other people are feeling or needing. This week, tune into your own heart and ask yourself, at least once a day, “How am I feeling right now?”
Reclaiming healthy patterns in relationships takes courage! Often we are afraid of losing the relationship, if we are honest with our own hearts. You don’t have to face this challenge alone. Starting in October, we are offering a support group that will help you take back power to live in honesty and health in your relationships! Click on the link below to find out more and get registered.
Continue the Pursuit,
Denise
